SEGMENT 14 of the musical "CANDELESCENCE" (written by Secretary Michael); illustrations by Jennifer Stolzer); the latest SCRIPT is found below; click to find the sheet music to this segment's necessary songs: "Good Guys With Guns" and "People Always Do"
Segment 14: G.G.G. Visit #1
(Early afternoon; Guru and Twimfina sit outside in the shade of the school building, talking)
GURU
Walter and Scout seem to be getting along pretty well lately. They used to always fight.
TWIMFINA
Well, the three of us had a long talk last week after school.
GURU
What magic words did you say to them?
TWIMFINA
No magic words. I just listened carefully and helped them come up with their own ideas for how they might interact differently.
GURU
Wow. Next time I hope I can hear how you do it.
TWIMFINA
Hopefully there won’t be a “next time”.
GURU
Oh, there’ll be a next time alright. I’ve already written it into the story.
TWIMFINA
(chuckling)
Oh yeah, I forgot. I’m a character in one of your famous stories.
GURU
I never said it would be a famous story – but it is an interesting one, if I may say so myself.
TWIMFINA
By the way, isn’t this story supposed to be about us working together to “teach peace”? Wasn’t that our original agreement? I think you’re in breach of contract, Mister Guru. You always get to see me “teaching peace”, but I never get to see you.
GURU
I teach Science, don’t I? That’s teaching “peace”.
I teach Language Skills, don’t I? That’s teaching “peace”.
I teach Math, don’t I? That’s teaching “peace”.
I teach Social Studies, don’t I? That’s teaching “peace”.
TWIMFINA
Yes, yes, yes, and yes. I was just hoping that in this story of yours, you’d swoop down to resolve some big conflict with your superhero powers.
GURU
Nope. Sorry. I wrote YOU into the story to do the swooping and the heroic stuff. My job is to avoid violence – and to persuade others to avoid it too.
TWIMFINA
And how do you persuade others to avoid violence?
GURU
By making it uncool. Stories are good tools for doing that. They can reinforce peaceful behavior by linking it to attractive people. They can extinguish violent behavior by linking it to repulsive people. It’s simple psychology.
(half-singing)
PEOPLE ALWAYS DO WHAT ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE DO
TWIMFINA
(chuckles)
Do I get to be one of the attractive people?
GURU
(laughing)
So far. But the story isn’t over yet.
TWIMFINA
(pointing)
Oh look, Toolie’s coming! He’s early today!
(Toolie pulls his wagon onstage, then eases it down; Twimfina pushes Guru in his wheelchair down to meet him)
GURU and TWIMFINA
(shouting)
Uncle Toolie!
TOOLIE
Hey you two! Workin’ hard or hardly workin’?
GURU
Hardly workin’. The kids all went to Jeeno today to take their big Middle School entrance exams.
TOOLIE
Oh, that explains it. Well, it’s best they’re not here. I saw a group of Nationalists heading this way.
GURU
The GGG?
TOOLIE
Yeah, those guys. Here, Twimfina, you can hide in here. We don’t want to invite any trouble.
(Toolie lifts up the tarp that covers his tool wagon)
TWIMFINA
Oh, I don’t think that’s necessary. We have all kinds of nutty groups in the United States too. I know how to deal with them. I’ve actually been trained as a conflict worker.
GURU
(with some desperation in his voice)
These men have guns, Twimfina. Please, you’ve only been here for two weeks. Please trust us on this.
(Twimfina complies, squeezing in under the raised tarp, which Toolie then lowers. Three marching soldiers from the GGG can be heard approaching with a “hup-2-hup-2” cadence; they are wearing camouflage uniforms and carrying guns. Their names are Tweedle, Deedle and Dum. Dum sings the calls. Tweedle and Deedle sing the responses.)
DUM: (shout-singing)
(HUP-2 HUP-2) (HUP-2 HUP-2) (HUP-2 HUP-2) (HUP-2 HALT!)
TELL THE PEOPLE WHO WE ARE!
TWEEDLE & DEEDLE: (shout-singing)
RIGHTEOUS MEN FIGHTIN’ RIGHTEOUS WAR!
DUM: (shout-singing)
WHY ARE WE THE RIGHTEOUS ONES?
TWEEDLE & DEEDLE: (shout-singing)
‘CUZ WE GOT THESE RIGHTEOUS GUNS!
DUM: (shout-singing)
WHY WE GOT THESE RIGHTEOUS GUNS?
TWEEDLE & DEEDLE: (shout-singing)
‘CUZ WE ARE THE RIGHTEOUS ONES,
THE RIGHTEOUS ONES, WE GOOD GUYS ARE THE RIGHTEOUS ONES!
TWEEDLE, DEEDLE & DUM: (singing)
WE’RE THE GOOD GUYS WITH GUNS
TWEEDLE: I AM TWEEDLE!
DEEDLE: I’M DEEDLE!
DUM: I’M DUM!
TWEEDLE, DEEDLE & DUM
WE GOT POWER, AND OOO IT IS FUN, FUN, FUN!
WE’RE THE GOOD GUYS (WE’RE THE GOOD GUYS)
WE’RE THE GOOD GUYS (WE’RE THE GOOD GUYS)
WE’RE THE GOOD GUYS, THE GOOD GUYS WITH GUNS!
DUM: (shout-singing)
TELL THE PEOPLE WHAT WE DO
TWEEDLE & DEEDLE: (shout-singing)
FIGHT FOR WHAT IS GOOD AND TRUE!
DUM: (shout-singing)
HOW WE KNOW WHAT’S GOOD AND TRUE?
TWEEDLE & DEEDLE: (shout-singing)
WE’RE THE GOOD GUYS – WE JUST DO!
DUM: (shout-singing)
WHO’S THE TARGET OF OUR GUNS?
TWEEDLE & DEEDLE: (shout-singing)
PEOPLE WE ARE DIFF’RENT FROM,
ARE DIFF’RENT FROM, THE PEOPLE WE ARE DIFF’RENT FROM!
TWEEDLE, DEEDLE & DUM
(singing)
WE’RE THE GOOD GUYS WITH GUNS
AND YOU KNOW WE GOT THE QUA-LI-FI-CA-TIONS
NOT MUCH SCHOOLING BETWEEN US
BUT WE ALL HAVE GOT A PENIS
WE’RE THE GOOD GUYS (WE’RE THE GOOD GUYS)
WE’RE THE GOOD GUYS (WE’RE THE GOOD GUYS)
WE’RE THE GOOD GUYS, THE GOOD GUYS WITH GUNS!
GURU
Good afternoon, gentlemen! How can we help you?
DUM
We’re lookin’ for Baba.
GURU
Baba’s not here today. He’s in Jeeno on a welding job.
DUM
We wanna know why he ain’t been comin’ to our meetings.
GURU
I’m sorry, but my father’s always working. Even we would like to see more of him.
DUM
He’s your father? Then you must be that boy he been talkin’ about – the one who gots all crippled-up from the American bombing.
TOOLIE
That’s me – at least what’s left of me.
(Tweedle and Deedle both laugh at the joke; Dum glares at them disapprovingly, then turns back to Guru)
DUM
(menacingly, with a pointed finger)
You tell your father that he WILL be coming to our meetings – ALL our meetings – NO excuses! If we gotta come back again, “THERE – WILL – BE – TROUBLE.” Understood?
GURU
Understood.
(The three nationalists then march off, singing)
DUM: (shout-singing)
(HUP-2 HUP-2) (HUP-2 HUP)
TWEEDLE, DEEDLE & DUM: (singing)
WE’RE THE GOOD GUYS WITH GUNS
TWEEDLE: I AM TWEEDLE!
DEEDLE: I’M DEEDLE!
DUM: I’M DUM!
TWEEDLE, DEEDLE & DUM
WE GOT POWER, AND OOO IT IS FUN, FUN, FUN!
WE’RE THE GOOD GUYS (WE’RE THE GOOD GUYS)
WE’RE THE GOOD GUYS (WE’RE THE GOOD GUYS)
WE’RE THE GOOD GUYS, THE GOOD GUYS WITH GUNS!
GURU
You can come out now, Twimfina. I’m sorry you had to hear all that ignorance.
(Twimfina lifts up the end of the tarp, then slides off the wagon)
TWIMFINA
Guru! Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell me that we did this to you!?
GURU
Don’t say “we”, Twimfina. This has nothing to do with you. None of us are responsible for the sins of our ancestors.
TWIMFINA
I’m so ashamed.
GURU
Don’t be. All cultures have their “Good Guys with Guns”. Ours happen to march in boots – yours happen to fly in airplanes. Same problem. Same mindset.
TOOLIE
Same solution. Communication.
GURU
Yes, Uncle Toolie. I was just telling Twimfina about the Fountain-Flush stories.
TOOLIE
(gathering envelopes)
Oh, please keep writing your stories, Guru! Communication really is the answer to it all.
TWIMFINA
Fountain-Flush?
GURU
The Fountain-Flush is a tool that we pacifists use. We use “Fountains” and “Flushes” in our art. The “Fountains” are the attractive people. They’ve learned how to live peaceful lives – lives of diversity and inclusion.
(half-singing)
PEOPLE ALWAYS DO WHAT ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE DO
ALWAYS WEAR THE THINGS THEY WEAR
ALWAYS CHEW THE THINGS THEY CHEW
ALWAYS SAY THE THINGS THEY SAY
ALWAYS DO THE THINGS THEY DO
NO MATTER IF IT’S RIGHT OR WRONG OR EVEN IF IT’S TRUE
PEOPLE ALWAYS DO WHAT ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE DO
TOOLIE
(sorting through envelopes)
Not physically attractive, necessarily. “Likeable” might be a better word.
GURU
Yes, likeable. The Fountains have to be likeable – so likeable that people repeat whatever they do – repeat and repeat until it spreads everywhere – like water from a fountain on a windy day.
TWIMFINA
And the “Flush”?
TOOLIE
That’s where I come in. We Flushes are the ugly ones who spout-off hate and intolerance.
GURU
Never you, Uncle Toolie! But he’s right – the Flushes are meant to be repulsive. Whatever the Flushes do, everybody else STOPS doing. Their behavior gets drained away into a sewer. When Fountains and Flushes are used together, we call it a “Fountain-Flush”.
TOOLIE
Well, this Flush has got to be moving on. Here’s your mail, Guru. Enjoy your day off. I’ll see you two next time.
(Toolie lifts his cart and walks away)
GURU and TWIMFINA
(both thank Toolie as he exits)
GURU
(looking through the mail)
Oh, a letter for you! From Canada! Don’t you love those maple-leaf stamps? It’s from Candelescent High School in St. Louis Missouri.
TWIMFINA
What?! That’s impossible!
(Twimfina grabs the envelope, tears it open, then sighs with a worried voice)
It’s from my parents! How did they find out!?
(Twimfina silently reads letter, then has regret in her voice)
Oh no, I must have really hurt them. They’re begging me to come back. Somehow they even arranged for me to return on a military transport plane.
GURU
When?
TWIMFINA
(examining the paperwork)
Next week.
GURU
(after a silent pause)
I don’t know what to say, Twimfina. I feel sad – selfishly sad – but I don’t want to stand between you and your family.
END OF SEGMENT 14
